The Lighter Side of Chris

Police Dept. Voice Mail

Hello, you have reached the ____________Police Department Voice Mail.
Pay close attention as we have to update the choices often as new and unusual circumstances arrive. Please select one of the following options:

* To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem you created for yourself... press 1.

* To postulate whether someone has to die before we'll do something about a problem... press 2.

* To report an officer for bad manners when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe... press 3.

*If you would like us to raise your children... press 4.

*If you would like us to take control of your life due to your alcoholic or chemical dependency... press 5.

* If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate... press 6.

* To provide a list of police officers you personally know so we will not take enforcement action against you... press 7.

*To sue us, tell us you'll have our badge, and how you pay our salary, or proclaim our career is over... press 8.

* To hear this menu again, wrap aluminum foil around your head and turn around three times.

© Chris

- Prison vs. Work -

In Prison. . you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
At Work . . . you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

In Prison . . you get three meals a day.
At Work . . . you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

In Prison . . you get time off for good behavior.
At Work . . . you get more work for good behavior.

In Prison . . the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At Work . . . you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

In Prison. . you can watch TV and play games.
At Work. . . you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In Prison. . you get your own toilet.
At Work. . . you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

In Prison. . they allow your family and friends to visit.
At Work. . . you can't even speak to your family.

In Prison. . all expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required.
At Work. . . you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In Prison. . you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
At Work. . . you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

In Prison . . . you must deal with sadistic wardens.
At Work . . . they are called managers.

So ....... why is it again that we work?

© Chris

Food for Thought

1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2.  The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3.  It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4.  Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5.  Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6.  No one is listening until you fart.

7.  Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9.  If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of loan payments.

10.  Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his or her shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11.  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13.  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14.  If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15.  Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16.  Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17.  Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18.  The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19.  A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20.  Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21.  There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22.  Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23.  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24.  Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25.  We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse....... then things get worse.

26.  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

27.  There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28.  No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

29.  There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

30.  Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

(various authors - unknown)

“The Cop”

His job has always been to protect and serve.
The pay is far less then he deserves.
He patrols the streets eight hours a day.
His back-up is still ten minutes away.

He’s the nicest man that you’ve ever met.
Some people thank him, but many forget.
“Why does he do this?” Many will ask.
No silver bullets. He wears no mask.

Decent pay and a little respect.
Is it too much for him to expect?
Some nights he worries and is unable to sleep.
With layoffs and lawsuits, seven days a week.

But he keeps on fighting the war on the streets.
Answering calls and patrolling his beat.
Considered lucky, because he’s still alive.
Collecting a pension at age fifty-five.

To those who have fallen, doing their job At domestic disputes or stores being robbed... I ask your family and all of your friends. “How can we stop the violence... WHEN WILL IT END?”

© Marc Haiungs Sr.
Kern County S.D.

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